Self-Deception

I have not updated my personal blog for four months already. I was quite busy for my classwork, projects and even the management of the "IDTV Show" blog. Four months later, IDTV has already come to an end, everything has become good memories.


I think it is the time to focus on my personal life once again by writing my personal blog "Vicnetian", I don't know how many people would actually read my blog posts, but I can tell you everything I write here is from my heart, everything is truthful. Spade a spade, I really enjoy the process of writing something, every time when I sit down, I start thinking of something, and I always write what I think on a paper or this blog.


Look at the title of this blog post, it seems like I'm going to tell you something, indeed I do want to tell myself not to be self-deception. Why did I say I'm self-deception? I have been this country for almost 10 years, and I have been living under straitened circumstances. Not just living under the environment financial hardship, the neighborhood that I live also discourages me to contact with the outside. Over time, my eccentric personality became more and more obvious. When I see many people that I know have successfully reach their goals or dreams, I have accomplished nothing. Coming to this country was not my wish, I never want to come here, I lived in my place and I had my style of living, why should I come here and live in a dangerous area like a war zone? I still remember what I said about 7 years ago, I said, "if I could choose again, I would choose to leave San Francisco and back to Macau, living peacefully and happily." I still have this thought today, and I always remind myself intentionally and unintentionally that I don't want to live here anymore, I really want to quit this fucking place and move back to the place I was born and raised. I asked myself why I am self-deception? United States is not the place for me, why do I tell people that I'm living well here? If this is not self-deception then what is it?

Self-deception doesn't only hurt yourself, in many cases it also hurt people around you. It just like you don't love the girl, why didn't you say it boldly that you don't love her?! One person suffers the pain is better than two people suffer the pain.


I don't know what would happen if I move back to Macau, but at least that is the place I spent for my entire childhood and early teen years. Don't be self-deception, Victor Lei! Your life is under your control, not under other people's! You know what you want to do and just do it! I know I should not be self-deception anymore because if I'm still being that, I will make myself more pain.